How Do I Breathe
by purplepagoda
Summary: Ziva's death hits them all hard, especially Tony. Will they be able to face the fact that she is really gone? None of them will rest until they have answers.
1. How Do I Breathe

He loosens his tie, a hair, feeling entirely uncomfortable. Gibbs shoots him a look. He stands as straight as he can, trying to ignore the cold. The cold January stings his cheeks. This was not how he had envisioned it, not even close. He stares at the group of people surrounding him. They all were black, and have matching solemn faces. Even Abby, was wearing a sad, solemn face. He stares at the headstone.

This was the worst graveside service he had ever attended. It was cold, and rainy, and he couldn't bear the thought of who was lying underneath the stone. He fights back the tears, but his last words to her play like a broken record, in his head.

_He smiles at her. He waits with her for the elevator. _

_"I think I know where the elevator is," she reminds him._

_"I had something important to tell you."_

_"What's that?"_

_"Don't forget to wear sunglasses." _

_The elevator doors open, and she disappears. _

This wasn't how he thought it would end. In his mind she was a superhero. She wouldn't go out without a fight. She would go out shooting. She would walk through fire, and not get burnt. She would die, trying to save someone she loved, trying to redeem herself. She was always trying to prove something. That day, she was not trying to prove anything. Now she was just gone.

_He stares across the squad room at her empty desk. She had been gone nearly an hour, and he was already missing her. She had gone to see the elusive Mr. Miami, known as Ray to some. He hated when she left. He wanted so badly to tell her the truth, but he wasn't ready. _

_"The director wants to see us, now!" Gibbs interrupts his thought. He follows Gibbs, and McGee up to the director's office. On his way his chest tightens. He has a terrible gut feeling, as he enters the director's office. He closes the door behind himself. _

_"Have a seat," the director insists._

_They all take a seat around the table. "Leon we have work to do, what is this about?"_

_Leon grabs the remote. He lowers himself into the chair at the end of the table. He pushes play. They watch a clip from the six o'clock news._

_"You brought us up here to watch a clip about a traffic fatality?" Gibbs questions._

_Tony stares at the crushed piece of metal. All he can see is red. The director's silence grabs his attention. He directs his focus to Leon._

_"Ziva?" he questions._

_Leon doesn't respond immediately. Finally he is able to compose himself enough to answer, "Agent David was in the accident," he reveals._

_"Is she ok?" McGee inquires._

_"No, Tim, don't you get it? She's dead. He wouldn't have brought us up here otherwise," Tony replies coldly._

_"That true Leon?" Gibbs wonders._

_"Yes," Leon nods._

_"You're sure?" Tim clarifies._

_"They tried to use the jaws of life to get her out, but the car caught fire, before they could get her out. She died at the scene," Leon reveals._

_Without a word Tony walks out of the room. _

He stands at her graveside, unwilling to believe it. It wasn't right. She was the best defensive driver he knew. How did she end up... she hadn't even made it to the morgue. They had sent her body straight to the funeral home. Now all that was left of her was a head stone, and an urn full of ashes.

His partner, his best friend. The only woman he had ever truly loved, reduced to a pile of ash. What he wouldn't give to have one more day with her. One more chance to tell her the truth, to tell her that without her... he could live, but he didn't want to.

The crowd begins to disperse, signaling that the service had concluded. Abby links arms with him.

"I'm fine," he lies.

"I am just following orders," she tells him flatly.

"Orders?"

"I am supposed to take you home."

"I don't need a babysitter. I am fine."

"Ok, how about a drinking buddy?"

"Ok," he agrees.

She drives him home. She follows him into the apartment. He pulls out a pair of shot glasses, and a bottle of liquor. He takes a shot, she doesn't touch hers.

"I thought you were going to be my drinking buddy."

"I just can't. I can't start. If I take a drink now, you won't be the only one on a slippery slope. It doesn't even seem real. If it were anyone but Ziva. This isn't how I thought she'd die. I figured it would be from old age, or... in a fight to the death. Her against an army of men, with Ak-47's and bombs strapped to their chests."

"It was a red light. The one time she actually stopped for a red light, and she died? It's not right. I refuse to believe it."

"I'll leave you alone with your booze."

"I thought that you were supposed to be babysitting me."

"I think you should start with your grieving, alone."

"Start?"

"With denial."

"I never told her," he admits.

"I know."

"Do you? How did you know?"

"I could just tell."

"It wasn't like with Kate. Kate was my partner, but... Ziva..."

"Tony I know that you loved her. I think that she knew too."

"But I will never know. I will never know if she knew. I will never know if..."

"She did. She loved you too."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I have spent nearly every day with the two of you for the past six years. I know love when I see it. You went to Somalia to save her."

"Ziva did not need a savior."

"She needed a reason to live, and you gave her that. You made her see that no matter what, you would always be there for her. How many people can say that they have someone they know they can truly count on, like that? I know that you would have laid down your life for her. She knew it too."

"So why was she going to see him?"

"Everyone deserves the chance to be happy," Abby answers.

"Why couldn't she be happy with me?"

"Because you never gave her the chance."


	2. One Wish

He drowns his sorrows for the next few hours. Eventually he makes it to his bed. He slips off his shoes, his tie, and his jacket. He rips off his dress shirt. He tosses his belt on the chair in the corner of the room. He collapses in bed in his slacks, and undershirt. He closes his eyes, and every thought is her. After a few minutes he drifts to sleep.

Hours later he awakens to a dark room. For some reason he feels that he is not alone. This was crazy, he had to be losing it. She wasn't there. He closes his eyes, and rolls over in bed. He lies on his side with his eyes closed, but he can't seem to shake the feeling that he is not alone. He opens his eyes, and she is there. Lying next to him. She stares at him, as if she is real, as if she is not dead.

"Why are you here?"

"You should ask yourself that," she answers him.

"I'm angry."

"Why?"

"You left me."

"You always knew that I would, that I would be the first to go, didn't you?"

"No. I hoped it would be me. I wasn't ready."

"Why not?"

"I never told you the truth."

"So tell me now."

"It doesn't do any good, now that you're gone."

"I am not going anywhere until you tell me, I have nowhere to be."

"I guess you can't hurt me, can you? You're dead."

"So tell me," she coaxes.

"Ziva I love you."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yes. I have always known."

"And Ray-Ban?"

"He meant nothing."

"That's good to know, now that is too late."

She laughs, "It is never too late Tony," her fingertips graze his cheek.

"I don't believe you."

"I'll prove it."

"How?"

"If you could do anything, say anything, what would it be?"

He pushes the hair out of her face. He touches her cheek. He cradles her neck, and pulls him towards her. He kisses her.

"Trying to drown you sorrows?" she questions after tasting his breath.

"I think it's working," he smiles.

"Yes?"

"Don't leave, not yet."

"What are you going to do if I stay?"

"Just lay here, and look at you, all night."

"But you will get tired, you will fall asleep, and I will be gone."

"I am open to suggestions. I mean you're dead, and I am hallucinating, so... I guess whatever we want to do, is fair game."

"Remember when we went undercover?"

"Uh huh," he nods.

"And you had trouble keeping things to yourself?"

"Yes. That was a true test of will power."

"There are no cameras, no one watching us. No reason to have any will power."

"I see," he smiles.

He kisses her. She kisses him back.

Later he finds himself just staring at her naked body, tangled in his sheets.

"If I could go back in time. If I could bring you back... you would spend every night next to me."

"Every night? I find that hard to believe Tony."

"Every night. I wish I could go back. I wish that I had told you, before you left, just how much I love you."

"Tell me now."

"I should be committed."

"For seeing me?"

"For knowing that you're dead, and still wishing..."

"Wishing what?"

"That we could have had it all."

"And in your world, what would that be?"

"A picket fence, in the suburbs. Boring, family cars in the driveway. We'd be married, with a swingset in the backyard, with a couple of kids, and a dog."

"That sounds nice," she admits as she props her had up with the support of her elbow.

"I don't want to close my eyes, to know that it's a dream, and that... you're gone."

"I may be gone, but I am always with you," she promises.

"That doesn't make it any easier."

"There are so many things that I would have told you."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, against my will," she smirks.

"Don't go."

"Just trust me."

He opens his eyes and the alarm clock is blaring. He looks around the room, and he finds it empty. He smacks the alarm clock, and climbs out of bed. He jumps in the shower, and tries to forget his dream.

He arrives at work ten minutes late, but is the first one to arrive. He stares at her empty desk, in silence, until the elevator dings. McGee steps off. He walks past DiNozzo, without a word. He doesn't stop until he reaches his desk. He sinks into his seat, without a word.

Gibbs walks into the squad room. He looks at his watch.

"What are the two of you doing here?"

"Where else would we be?" Tony queries.

"At home. The funeral was yesterday. You both still have two days bereavement."

"There's nothing to do at home," McGee comments.

"We don't have any cases?" Tony wonders.

"No."

"Boss why are you here?"

"Same reason the two of you are here, I guess."

"I want answers. Something just doesn't feel right. I just can't let her go, not yet. Not until I have all the answers," Tony admits.

Gibbs flips open his phone on the first ring. After twenty seconds he hangs up.

"Lucky for you Abby shares the same sentiments. She has what's left of Ziva's car downstairs in the garage."

The three of them are at the elevator in the blink of an eye.


	3. I'll Be Missing You

Abby finds herself alone, in the lab, late at night. Her machines are the only sound she hears. She opens up her desk, with nothing else to do, she might as well clean it out. She pulls open the middle drawer. She finds a piece of paper. Written on it, are two simple words _I'm sorry._ The note isn't signed. She immediately recognizes the handwriting.

"How long has this been here?" she asks herself. She places the note on the surface of her desk. She gets out of her chair. She pushes it into the desk, and leaves the lab, realizing it was time for her to go home at try to get some rest.

Tim climbs into his car, on his way to work. He shuts the door, and turns on the engine. For a moment he does nothing. With his coffee in the cup holder, he just sits in the car. For a moment he looks up. He sees her standing on the other side of the street. She sees him, and waves. He adjusts the radio. When he looks back up she's gone.

Gibbs finds himself sitting in his basement. He doesn't touch the sandpaper. He doesn't look at the paint. He pulls out a bottle of bourbon, and grabs a jar full of screws. He empties the jar. The screw fall on to the work bench. Something out of the ordinary catches him off guard. He notices something tangled around the screws. He unwinds the chain. He knocks the screws onto the floor, intentionally. He stares at the necklace silently. He pours himself a drink, knowing it promised to be a long night. How had her necklace ended up here? She never took it off. This was going to be hard, even harder than losing Kate.

The elevator reaches the basement, and they all climb out. They find Abby sitting in the center of the garage. She sits on a stool, and stares at them.

"Abby I thought you said that you had the car?" Gibbs questions.

"Apparently it has already been destroyed."

"It may have caught fire but..." McGee begins.

"McGee. It disappeared no one knows where it is," Abby reveals.

"What is going on here?" Tony wonders.

"There is something that someone doesn't want us to know," Abby answers.

"How are we going to figure this out? We have no evidence?"

"I made a few phone calls, and got a lot of people out of bed early this morning."

"Who did you call?" Gibbs inquires.

"The press," Abby admits.

"The press?" McGee furrows his brow.

"They sent me all of the pictures, and footage from the scene," she adds.

"That isn't much to work with," McGee complains.

"It is all we have. Something isn't right. We have to figure this out. We have to do this, for Ziva," Abby rants.

"She's right," Tony agrees.

"This is worse than with Kate," Abby comments.

Gibbs raises his eyebrow, "Abby something you want to share?"

"You will all think that I am delusional, so no," she shakes her head.

"I know I am," McGee admits.

"Why?" Gibbs quizzes.

"I saw her, outside my coffee shop this morning, or I thought I did. When I looked again she was gone," McGee explains.

"Abby?"

"Last night I came here. I found a note in my desk. It was in her handwriting, but it wasn't signed. I could tell it was from her. When I came in this morning, it was gone."

"Tony?"

"I saw her, in my apartment last night. I'll never forget what she said."

They all wait. Finally Gibbs asks, "What did she say?"

"Just trust me," Tony replies.

"Last night I found her necklace," Gibbs adds.

"She left it here?" McGee assumes.

"It was in my basement, at the bottom of a jar of screws. When I woke up this morning, it was gone."

"So are we all crazy?" Abby poses the question.

DiNozzo shakes his head, "This is too real."

"Tony was she wearing her necklace, last night, when you saw her?" McGee queries.

"No. McGee what was she wearing when you saw her?" Tony resonds.

"She was wearing all black."

"I get the feeling that she's trying to tell us something," Abby remarks.

"But what?" Tim gesticulates.

"We have to find out what really happened at that stoplight," Gibbs answers.

Abby grabs all the pictures from the printer. She pushes her stool aside, and arranges them on the floor. They take a few moments to study the pictures. McGee is the first to notice.

"In every picture her car is already on fire, or has been extinguished. None of the press got a picture of the jaws of life? There are no pictures of her in the car."

Abby looks at one picture with her magnifying glass. "There is no other car," she points out. The three men focus on the other pictures. They kneel on the floor carefully studying each picture.

"It wasn't an accident, she was murdered," Tony states boldly.

"How do you know?" McGee wonders.

"Look at the car. It is in pieces, everywhere. And under the car. It's something I can't quite make out," he points out.

Abby pushes him aside, and studies the picture.

"Abs can you get the 911 tape? Or the footage from the traffic cam?" Gibbs insists.

She hops up, and moves to the computer. She stares at the screen blankly.

"The traffic camera went out two minutes before the 911 call. They don't come back on until after the car is in pieces. I don't even see Ziva's car."

"Play the 911 tape," Gibbs demands.

Abby hits play, "I just saw a car explode at the light in the intersection of 9th, and Maple," a female voice reports. "Is there anyone inside the car?" the dispatcher asks. "I hope there wasn't," the caller answers.

"How did we know it was Ziva's car?" McGee probes.

"The police report. They found her license plate. They confirmed that it was her car."

"I want to know how," Gibbs raises his voice.

"She was on her way to see her Miami friend, Ray. What do we know about him?" Tony asks.

"Abby?"

"On it Gibbs," she types furiously.

Gibbs waits impatiently. He stares at the pictures on the floor while waiting.

"Uh oh," Abby stares at the computer screen.

"Uh oh what?"

"I was able to figure out who Ziva was seeing."

"Why the uh oh?" Gibbs uncrosses his arms, and moves towards her.

"Ziva was dating a terrorist," Abby clarifies.

"Find him, now!" Gibbs commands.


	4. She's Like The Wind

"I doubt she knew. If she had known, she wouldn't continue seeing him," Tony rambles.

"Unless she was," Tim begins.

"McGee don't say it," Gibbs insists.

"I think we should consider it a possibility," McGee argues.

"I don't want to hear it," adds.

"It would make sense if she was undercover," McGee chooses to put it out there.

"She never told me if she was. Tony did you know?" Gibbs asks in irritation.

"No, which means one thing," Tony answers.

Abby attempts to diffuse the situation, "Gibbs go get coffee. I will find Ziva's boyfriend, and we will figure this out. We'll get him," Abby promises.

He hits the desk, "But it doesn't bring her back!"

"I'll go talk to the director, see what he knows," Tim offers.

"I will handle Leon," Gibbs disagrees.

"I am not usually big on conspiracy theories, but..." Abby begins.

"But what Abs?" Gibbs spins around, and looks at her.

"What if Ziva was undercover? What if she didn't have enough to put him away for terrorism? What if the only way to catch him was for murder? What if none of us are imagining things? What if we really saw her? Maybe she really was leaving us clues."

"I definitely imagined her," Tony disputes.

"There is only one way to find out," McGee agrees.

"Then find him, yesterday!" Gibbs shouts.

Hours later the three men stand on the opposite side of the glass. A man sits in the interrogation room. McGee is the one who finally asks.

"Which one of us is going to go in there?"

"DiNozzo," Gibbs answers.

"Why me?" Tony questions.

"Because she would want you to," Gibbs replies.

Tony nods, and heads for the door. He walks into the hall. He hears her voice, in his head. He pulls the door to the interrogation room open. He slams it behind himself. He walks over to the table. He pulls out the chair, and slams it against the wall. He pulls the table away from the suspect. He pushes the table against the wall. He stands in front of the man. The man that Ziva had been seeing.

"Tell me what you did to her!" Tony demands.

"I didn't do anything," he replies coolly.

"You killed her."

"I thought that I was innocent until proven guilty."

"No, you have already been proven guilty. I already know what you did. I know every detail. You have nothing to offer me."

"Obviously I do, or you wouldn't be here. You would have already locked me up."

"Tell me what you did."

"Why? If you already know?"

"I want to hear it from you."

"I didn't do anything."

"You have the audacity to look me in the eye, and lie? Really? You aren't a terrorist? You have never been arrested for being unable to control your temper, for beating women? Even if you didn't kill her, which I know that you did, you do not deserve to live. You have no humanity, you do not deserve to waste anyone's air."

"I never laid a hand on her."

"I never said that you did."

"I didn't touch her."

"You knew better. You have enough experience to know not to leave a mark."

"I never touched her."

"You knew she'd drop kick you?"

"I am a changed man."

"Prove it."

"How?"

"If you had any feelings for her at all you would be upset. Her death would tear you apart, but you are completely unfazed."

"If I had feelings for her? She was the one who was deceiving me."

"Really? It was a game, all along?"

"She was undercover."

"No. She met you, she was sincerely attracted to you. When she realized who you were, that is when she decided she had to do something about it."

"And it kills you. It kills you that she would rather be with someone like me, than you."

"We aren't talking about me. We are talking about you, and what you did. You killed her."

"How?"

"You knew she was NCIS. You knew that she was going to send your ass away, for life. You couldn't take that chance, could you? You couldn't risk it."

"She was beautiful. It is such a shame, she was so young."

"It is a shame that you're going to go to the chair for her murder. I'd rather you rot in prison for the rest of your life."

"You knew how I figured it out?"

"I don't know."

"She was always holding something back. I knew she was NCIS, so I knew that wasn't it. When I asked her what was on her mind she told me it was you. That she was thinking about her partner. I could tell by the way she talked about you, that it hurt her to be with me. At first she wanted to be, but later when she saw how much you hated it, she wanted out. She wanted to be done. I couldn't figure out what was holding her back. I was sure she was going to walk away. Then she got a phone call. When I asked her about it, she told me that it was her director, that it was just about a case, and that I shouldn't worry about it. That's when things started adding up."

"So you killed her?"

"You think that I hired someone to t-bone her in an intersection?"

"You know that isn't what happened."

"Really? How are you going to prove otherwise?"

"You are smart, I'll give you that."

"But?"

"We're smarter. You may have cut the feed to the traffic cameras, but I know what you did."

"I didn't do anything. You are bluffing."

"Really? You put a bomb under her car. You used a timer, you wanted to make sure she was far enough from work that we couldn't get to her in time. And you wanted to make sure that she was far enough away from you that you wouldn't be implicated. You just made one mistake."

"And what is that?"

"You killed the wrong woman."

"It wasn't Ziva," his interest peaks.

"That isn't what I meant. You chose the wrong woman to kill. You took her life, and you didn't think about the people who would be affected by her death. You didn't think about the people who would want answers."

"You think that I am going to confess?"

"No. I don't need a confession. I have enough evidence to put you away for life."

"How?"

"We found this on Ziva's computer," he hands him a piece of paper.

Ray looks at it, but says nothing.

"Let me read it, to you. If anything happens to me, it was Ray. I am in too deep. Please forgive me. Z. She wrote us a note. She knew it was you."

"That proves nothing. How do I know that you didn't write that, yourself?"

"You don't."

"You have no evidence."

"I have every conversation the two of you have had in the last few months, on tape. I have emails from Ziva to the director. I have your finger print on her car."

"That proves nothing."

"What were you doing under her car? I can't think of anything, except attaching a bomb. You know what else I have? I have footage of you, at her apartment the day you murdered her, under her car," Tony hands him a picture.

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing. I need nothing. You are a home grown terrorist. I do not have to have any reason to keep you. I do not have to have any reason to lock you up, and throw away the key."

"I'm not a terrorist."

"No, you just beat on women. You kill women. You break their necks, and push them off cliffs, you drown them, and blow up their cars."

"You know that I am not a terrorist, that is someone who looks like me, someone who stole my identity."

"Do I? How would I know that? I know that you have murdered at least seven women. The fact that you are a terrorist, that is just icing on the cake."

"I am not a terrorist."

"Then you better start talking," he warns.


	5. Crazy

Three hours later Ray finishes with his confession. Tony walks out of the room, and takes the confession to Gibbs. Ray is escorted to prison. He later sits at his desk, filling out paperwork.

"Good job DiNozzo," Gibbs comments.

"Good job? I put him away, but I can't bring her back."

"Go home. This paperwork can wait," Gibbs demands.

"Ok," he nods.

On his way home he picks up several bottles of alcohol. He sits in his living room, drinking until he passes out. He lies on the couch, hoping to open his eyes, and see her just one more time. After two hours passed out on his couch, he wakes up. He opens his eyes, and looks around the dark room. A lamp flips on. She sits on the arm of the couch.

"Looking for me?"

"Why are you haunting me? Why?"

"You are really surprised?"

"Just go. I don't want to see you anymore. It's too hard."

"I'm sorry. If you really want me to go, I will."

"No. Don't. I miss you. Every where I go, I am reminded of you," he wipes the tears with the palm of his hand. "I went to get lunch the other day, and I... I passed the falafel place, and I couldn't even go in. I just sat there, for an hour. I turned around, and went back to work. And I got on the elevator, and I thought of you. I got off, and took the stairs. I didn't even know where the stairs were. Why did you leave me?"

"You think that I had a choice?"

"Why didn't you fight?"

"I didn't want to."

"So you just gave up? You just let go? I will never be able to forgive you for leaving me."

"I know."

"Every day I think about you, you are all I think about. I miss you, and the only one I want to tell... is you."

She wipes the tears from his face. "You think that if you drink enough, you can forget me?"

"No. I just hope to see you, one more time. To look at you one more time. To touch your face, to smell your hair, to tell you that I was such an idiot. I should have known..."

"How?"

"I don't know. I wish you had told me."

"I tried, but you wouldn't listen."

"I am listening now. Why couldn't I have listened to you? Why couldn't I have told you that you should stay."

"What?"

"That day, when I followed you to the elevator. I wanted to tell you to stay. I knew that... I knew you wouldn't. I knew that I couldn't keep you from going, but I wanted to."

"I would have stayed."

"No you wouldn't have."

"If you had asked me, sincerely, I would have stayed."

"You are telling me, that I could have stopped this? I could have asked you to stay, and you would be alive right now?"

"Yes, that is what I am saying," she nods.

"Why does this have to be so hard? Damn it, Ziva! Why did you have to do this?"

"Given a second chance, I wouldn't have."

"I want to strangle director Vance, for trying to hide this from us."

"He wanted to nail the guy."

"So did I, but this... this wasn't the way."

"It was the only way to catch him."

"You sure do know how to pick 'em."

"In my next life, I will let you pick for me."

He smiles, "That would be greatly appreciated."

"Go to sleep," she pleads as she touches his cheek with her hand.

"I want you to stay," he begs.

"I can't. But I am never that far away," she promises.

"But you are never close enough," he admits.

She kisses his forehead, "I love you. My place is there," she places her hand on his chest.

He touches her hand as it presses against his heart.

"And no one else's. As long as I live, there will never be anyone to take your place. There will never be anyone who even comes close. I might still be breathing, but without you my heart doesn't beat."

Her jaw stiffens. A single tear trails down her cheek. "I know, and I'm sorry."

He closes his eyes.

Abby sits on her couch, not wanting to go to bed. She goes into the kitchen, for a cup of tea. She puts the cup of water in the microwave, and turns it on. She opens the cabinet, and pulls out a box of tea. Suddenly it hits her, it was Ziva's favorite tea. She takes a seat on the counter, and throws the box on the floor. There was no getting over losing her. The team... there was no team without her. After Kate they had all moved on, but... they would never move on after this. Ziva was irreplaceable. Why hadn't she ever told her that. The microwave beeps, and she slides off the counter. She opens the microwave door, and sits the cup on the counter. She bends over, and begins picking up the tea bags. She puts them back into the box. She stares at a note taped to the flap of the box. She drops a tea bag into the water. She reads the note in confusion. In Ziva's handwriting, on a yellow sticky note are five words. _You cannot fall apart now._ It warns her. Was she going crazy? She takes a seat on the counter. She stares at her tea cup.

"Don't cry," a voice warns her.

"Why are you here?"

"You need me to be," she says from behind.

Abby turns and looks at her. "I need you to be real," she answers.

"I am real to you, that is all that matters."

"I cannot believe you could leave us all, like that."

"I didn't have a choice. It was the only way."

"We weren't ready for you to go."

"I know."

"So why did you leave? Why did you leave us?"

"To bring you all together."

"It was a good plan, in theory, but we are all falling apart. DiNozzo drinks his sorrows away. Gibbs barely leaves NCIS anymore. He has finished three years worth of paperwork. McGee... he doesn't write anymore. None of us are the same without you."

"What about you?"

"I go to work, and I come home, and I miss you, a lot."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't, there is a rule."

"It doesn't make it any less true."


	6. Dream On

He sits at the computer, checking his email. He stares at his typewriter. It calls to him, but he feels nothing. He looks in it's direction.

"I know that it isn't fair for you to just sit there, and collect dust, but...I don't want to write anymore. I can't write about a character, when her inspiration is...gone," he admits.

The type writer stares at him in silence. He vacates his seat, and walks over to it. He finds a piece of paper in the type writer. The piece of paper stares at him, but not blankly. He studies the paper in disbelief. On the paper is a single typed line. He reads it to himself, _If you give up now how will you ever know how the story ends? _It asks him, a very important question. He knew that the typewriter was not possessed, that even though he personified it, it was not capable of working, on it's own. He had not noticed the piece of paper earlier. Someone had left it for him. He knew who, but that was even crazier, than the type writer working on its own. She was dead. She was never coming back. He decides to take a leap of faith. On the same page he types a response to the question. It pains him as he types the words. _I know how this story ends, that is why I cannot write it. _He walks away from the type writer. He flips off his light, and goes into his bedroom.

He thinks about his last words to her, as he lies down to go to sleep.

_He sits at his desk, tapping the end of his pencil on the surface of the desk. She gathers her things, at her desk. "You ok McGee?" _

_"Fine," he answers._

_"Why are you so antsy?" she asks as she moves towards him._

_"I am having a hard time with coming up with ideas for my next book."_

_"Maybe you are looking in the wrong places."_

_"Yeah, I need to think outside the box."_

_"Or, just let it come to you."_

_He nods. She walks away from him. Tony escorts her to the elevator. He is so wrapped up in his own world that he doesn't thank her for the advice, or even tell her goodbye._

When he wakes up he goes about his morning as usual. On his way out the door something pulls him back into the apartment. He takes an extra moment, and looks at the type writer. He rubs his eyes in disbelief. On the piece of paper in the type writer is a new line. _Who said this was the end?_ On a hunch he drops his bag. He pulls out his fingerprinting gear, he might be crazy, but this was a sign. He fingerprints the ? key. He grabs his stuff, and heads to work.

He stops to see Abby on his way. He finds her already in the lab. He approaches quietly.

"McGee you are not a ninja, don't try to act like one. Only one person can fill those shoes."

"Abby?"

Abby turns around, and looks at him.

"Yes?" she replies impatiently.

"Do you think that people can communicate from beyond the grave?"

"I am not an expert on that, why do you ask?"

"I am asking for your opinion."

"I hope that they can, otherwise I am going to have to make an appointment with a professional, for my delusions."

"Delusions? She's been communicating with you too?"

"She left me a note, on a box of tea. It was her favorite kind. I saw her, last night."

"Maybe it is just our way of grieving, but... what if it isn't?"

"As hard as it is to believe, at some point we are going to have to come to terms with the fact that she is gone."

"What if she isn't dead?'

"McGee... we miss her, that is all."

"Abby. I haven't been writing. Ziva knew that. Last night someone left me a message."

"On the computer? It's called email McGee."

"On the type writer."

"Oh."

"I wrote a response before I went to bed. Before I left this morning there was a reply to my response."

"You think that it's Ziva's ghost?"

"I don't believe in ghosts."

"But you think it is from her?'

McGee digs a fingerprint out of his pocket. He hands it to Abby.

"What is this?"

"Run it, and I will tell you," he replies.

"Ok," she agrees.

She scans the fingerprint into the computer.

"What database?"

"Run it against Ziva's fingerprint."

"Tim you don't really think that..."

"Just humor me," he begs.

"Ok," she agrees.

The computer dings, "It's a match to her right middle finger. Where did you get this?"

"I dusted my typewriter for prints. It was on the question mark key."

"That doesn't make sense. You don't use that finger to hit that key," Abby points out.

"On my typewriter the question mark key is next to the M."

"Oh. Do you really think that..."

"I can only hope."

"But how?"

"There is no evidence that she is actually dead. There is no video footage of the explosion. There is not proof she was in the car."

"I looked at the security footage. I saw her leaving the Navy Yard, in her car."

"Did he car have GPS?"

"Do you think that Ziva would use a GPS?"

"No, but did she have one?"

"I don't know."

"Hack into her cars computer system, see if you can..."

"How? It I have no way to access it."

"Right, it is now in about a billion pieces, and completely fried."

"Do you have any other ideas?" Tim questions.

"Call her phone."

"You think that she is going to answer?"

"Just try," Abby begs.

"Ok," Tim agrees.

He dials Ziva's number. After three rings someone picks up.


	7. Pandora's Box

"Hello?"

"Ducky why do you have Ziva's phone?"

"I just found it. Somehow it managed to make its way into my desk drawer."

"Is there anything with the phone?"

"McGee what is going on?"

"Ducky, please, is there anything with the phone?"

Ducky sorts through the drawer. He finds a small box. He opens it, and finds a King from a chess game.

"Yes I found something," Ducky reveals.

"I'll be down in a minute," McGee hangs up.

He makes his way to the morgue. Ducky waits on him.

"What do you have Duck?"

"I'm not sure what it means. It is a King," he shows the box to McGee.

McGee takes it. "I'll see if anyone else knows what this means."

"McGee what is going on?"

"I think that she is baiting us, to find her."

"Who?"

"Ziva."

"Ziva? Tim we buried her."

"We have all seen her. She has left all of us messages."

"Maybe Gibbs will know?"

McGee rides the elevator to the squad room. He rushes towards his desk. Gibbs has yet to arrive. Tony sits at his desk, staring at Ziva's empty one.

"What would you say if I told you I think Ziva is alive?"

"You are crazy."

Tim stops at Tony's desk. "So then you haven't seen her? You haven't gotten any messages from her?"

"I have. Have you?"

"Yes. She left me a note, and Abby a note. Abby saw her. Look the point is, I think that she is leaving us clues."

"What's in the box?"

Tim opens it, and shows him.

"A king?" Tony questions.

Tim points to the bright pink sticky note on Tony's computer. "Who is that from?"

"I don't know," Tony peels it off.

"What does it say?"

"When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

Tim examines the note. "That is Ziva's handwriting, so where is the pawn? Why did she leave the note with you?"

"It's an Italian proverb Tim."

"But what does it mean?"

"She is the pawn," he reveals.

"Who DiNozzo?" Gibbs questions.

Tony doesn't answer.

"Ziva," Tim replies.

"Ziva? Is a pawn? What is going on?"

"Boss we may all be going crazy, but... I think that Ziva may be alive."

"And why is that McGee?"

"She has left me messages, and Abby too. I saw her the other day. Abby saw her last night. Tony..."

"I saw her, last night," he admits.

"Any way, I finger printed my typewriter. That's what she used to leave me a message. Her fingerprint was on one of the keys."

"Tim what did the note say?" Gibbs queries.

"The first thing was a question, 'If you give up now how will you ever know how the story ends? ' I replied to her by saying, 'I know how this story ends, that is why I cannot write it.' When I woke up this morning there was a response," he reveals.

"Which was what?" Tony wonders.

"She responded by asking, 'Who said this was the end?'. I fingerprinted the typewriter, Abby ran it, and confirmed that it was Ziva's. We had a discussion, she asked me to call Ziva, which I thought was crazy, but I did, because it's Abby. Ducky answered her cell phone. It was in his desk drawer, downstairs. He found this with it," Tim shows Gibbs the box.

"A king?"

"McGeeky brought it up here, to show me. I found this note from her," he holds up the note.

"I can't read that far away," Gibbs reminds.

"It is an Italian proverb, 'When the game is over, the king and the pawn go in the same box,' there is no pawn in the box."

"Which is why we think that Ziva is the pawn," Tim fills in the blanks.

Gibbs starts to walk away. "Boss, where are you going?"

"To ask the King where is pawn is," Gibbs answers as he starts up the stairs.

He bursts into Leon's office without knocking.

"Can I help you Agent Gibbs? You know it is customary for people to knock, before entering a room."

"Leon don't play games with me."

"You are upset, and it's not even eight o'clock. What's on your mind?'

"What kind of game are you playing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"There are a lot of questions that don't have answers."

"Like what?"

"How every single member of my team has had contact with Ziva from beyond the grave?"

"It is part of the grieving process."

"I might believe that, but it is almost as if she has been leaving us clues. Notes, and..."

"You think that she is alive?"

"She was undercover. You knew, no one else did. I thought that this administration would be different than the last. I have had enough secrets. I want some answers."

"Gibbs I can't give you any."

"You need her to stay dead? So that you will have a case against her murderer."

"She led him to us."

"She also led us to you."

"To me? What are you talking about?"

"Are you familiar with the Italian proverb, When the game is over, the King, and the pawn go back in the same box?"

"No, why?"

"She left a King, in a box, in Ducky's desk, along with her phone."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"There was no pawn. Just as there is no pawn right now. She is your pawn."


	8. I'd Come For You

"Tim I would love to believe that she is alive, but we both know she isn't."

"You want her to be alive."

"Of course I do."

"So why do you doubt it?"

"She would have told us. If she had to fake her own death, she would have let one of us know."

"I think that is what she has been trying to do."

"Why wouldn't she just tell us, in person?"

"I don't know."

"I keep expecting the elevator doors to open, and for her to get off, but... we buried her."

"I don't believe for a minute that you would give up on her that easily," Tim argues.

Tony's phone rings. "Hello? Ok. We'll be down in a second."

"Abby?"

Tony nods, "She said that she has something for us."

"Lets go."

The two men hop in the elevator. Abby awaits their arrival anxiously. She smiles at them. This was the first time either of them had seen Abby smile, since she found out about Ziva.

"You have something good, for us?"

"It's something, what I am not completely sure, but it is something," Abby beams.

"What is it?"

Abby points to the picture on her screen. "This is Ziva," she begins.

"Thanks for clearing that up," Tony says bitterly.

"At an ATM six minutes before the 911 was called in."

"She is making a withdrawal?" McGee assumes.

"Cleared out her bank account."

"Is she winking at the camera?" Tony questions.

"Uh huh," Abby nods.

"I don't think that means anything Abby," Tony doubts.

Tim squints at the picture. Abby looks at him, "What do you see?"

"Enlarge the image, focus on the background," he instructs her.

"The parking lot?" Abby questions.

"Just do it," he barks.

She enlarges the image, and they stare at the image in utter disbelief.

Tim begins hacking into a database.

"That is Ziva's car. Getting towed. Six minutes before the 911 call," Tony says aloud.

"The street that Ziva's car was on when the explosion occurred was blocked off for half an hour before, up until a minute before the explosion for pothole repair," Tim reveals.

"There was no tow truck in the explosion. I have only parts from her car. That means that someone blocked off that intersection, and cut the feed to the cameras so no one would see what really happened. That someone had a tow truck park her car in that intersection. The road blocks were moved, and kaboom. Ziva couldn't have been in the car," Abby concludes.

"Not if she was at the ATM winking at us while her car was being towed," McGee agrees.

"Unbelievable," Tony remarks.

Abby looks at the clock, "He's late," she comments.

"I'm not late, just in time," Gibbs says from the doorway.

She spins around, and greets him with a smile. "Gibbs she's alive. Well we don't actually know that, but she was not in the car when it exploded."

"Vance won't tell me where she is. He insists that she is dead."

"She's not," Abby argues.

"There is only one person who can confirm that, is her," McGee points out.

"So find her!" Gibb demands.

They scatter. Tim, and Tony jump on the elevator. Tony heads to her apartment, Tim heads to the squad room to try to track her movements.

Tony arrives at her apartment, and finds it eerily quiet. Nothing has been moved. He looks around, calls out.

"You here?"

There is no answer. What did he expect? This was crazy. He looks around her apartment. He looks for something out of place. On her refrigerator he finds a Nickelback poster. Since when did she listen to Nickelback? On the bottom is what he assumes is the title of one of their tracks. _I'd Come For You._ He leaves the apartment, he heads back to NCIS. At his desk he pulls up youtube. He watches the video, and he exits out of the window.

"McGee stop."

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking for her," he answers.

"You can't give up. We just started."

"I'm not. Just trust me, ok?"

"Ok," he agrees.

Tony grabs his coat.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be back, soon."

He drives to the cemetery. He finds a receipt for falafels. He had found it in the van the day that she died, just before she left. He pulls out an ink pen, and writes a note. He gets out of the car, and walks to her grave. He places the note on her grave. He stands in silence, as the cold rain starts to fall.

"Look I know that I didn't always do what I should. I didn't always say things when they needed to be said. I don't know if your alive, or not, but I hope that I can make this right. I hope that I can fix this, make it better. Please come back to me. I know that I violated rule number eight. For what it's worth I promise to never take you for granted, ever again. Please forgive me, for being an ass. Please just come back," he begs.

He returns to his car, unsure if he could bring her back or not. He was confused, unsure if she was alive or dead, but one thing was certain. He was never going to give up on her. He couldn't. He starts the engine, and drives back to the Navy yard. He finds McGee, and Gibbs sitting at their desks waiting on him.

"Is there a reason you told McGee to stop looking for Ziva?"

"If we want her, she is going to have to come back on her own. She just wants us to believe, to trust her. That is the only choice we have right now."

"And if she doesn't come back?" McGee replies.

"Just trust her," Tony insists.

"Tony?"

"Huh?"

"You haven't said much," Tim points out.

"My gut tells me that we were wrong all along," he admits.

"Wrong about what?" Tim inquires.

"To doubt her," Tony answer.

"Do you think she's alive?" Tim wonders.

"Does my opinion matter?"

"I'm asking," Tim responds.

"I was at her funeral, but I never for a minute believed it. I could never accept it, even if it is true."


	9. Never Gonna Let You Go

He sits at the bar. He motions to the bartender. The bartender brings him another drink. He tosses it back. The bartender approaches him. He hands him a napkin.

"A lady asked me to give this to you," he reveals.

Tony looks at the note. Written in a familiar scrawl, _My place is with you. I go where you go_. He re-reads the note. It takes a moment to sink in, suddenly he realizes where he has heard it before. Dances With Wolves. He looks up at the bartender.

"Who gave this to you?"

"She said that you'd know who it was from."

"What did she look like?"

"Long dark hair, big brown eyes."

"You've seen her before?"

"Only once, with you," he replies.

Tony pays his tab, and leaves the bar. Ten minutes later he finds himself in his apartment. He closes an locks the door. He pours what is left, of the alcohol he has, down the drain. He sinks onto the couch.

"Ok! Ziva you have my attention. Stop playing games now!" He yells, hoping that she'll appear. She doesn't. She may have been a ninja, but a magician she was not. He eventually falls to sleep. He dreams of her face. When he wakes he finds himself alone. He showers, and goes to work, his faith wearing thin.

He is the first to arrive. Tim arrives next, and then Gibbs. He sits silently, staring at her empty desk. Gibbs walks up to him, and smacks him upside the back of the head.

"What was that for boss?"

"Don't give up on her yet."

"You know something that I don't?"

"No, I just know that she isn't done yet."

Tony nods, and without a word he walks over to her desk.

"I am going to sit here today, try to get a new perspective," Tony announces.

"Sitting at her desk will not make you think like her," Tim teases.

Tony rolls his eyes, and pulls open her desk drawer.

"What are you looking for?"

"Her secret stash," Tony answers.

"Of?" Tim raises an eyebrow.

Tony closes the drawer to his left, and opens the center drawer. He finds what he's looking for, "Paper clips," he answers.

"Tony you are not Ziva. You can not use a paper clip to kill someone eighteen different ways," Tim points out.

"I'd settle for just one."

"Who are you planning on killing?" Gibbs questions.

"If I revealed that someone would hear, and it would be considered premeditation."

"DiNozzo you can't stick a paper clip in Vance's ear."

"Why not?" Tony whines.

"Then I would have to act as director, and none of us enjoy that," he replies.

"Hey probie do you have any gum? I was thinking..."

Tim opens his drawer, "I don't want to know what you're thinking." He tosses Tony the pack of gum.

Tony catches it, and looks at McGee questioningly.

"What Tony?"

"What is in here?" he queries.

"Last time I checked, gum," Tim retorts.

"Why is it so heavy?"

"Maybe you should open it," Tim rolls his eyes.

Tony opens the package of gum. He looks inside, but says nothing.

"Is there enough gum in there for whatever you're planning?" Tim quizzes.

"I found it," Tony announces.

"Found what?"

"The pawn," Tony reveals.

"We're getting closer," Tim remarks.

The elevator doors open. Abby comes running towards them. She stops at Gibbs desk.

"Abby where's the fire?"

"I had to come up and tell you, it's so exciting."

"What is?"

"I did some hacking. I just wanted to explore a couple of ideas that I had."

"What did you find?"

She hands Gibbs the file. "It's a witness protection file, from the day that Ziva was..."

Gibbs cuts her off, "And?"

"And it doesn't have picture. According to the file the woman is now know as Lisa Gemcity. I wasn't able to get much else, except for a location."

"A current one?" Gibbs wonders.

"No," she shakes her head, "There are several previous locations listed. It seems that Lisa keeps slipping out of their custody, for undisclosed amounts of time."

"What was the most recent location?" Gibbs drills.

"A safe house in Coral Hills. I sent McGee an email with the exact location."

"Let's go!" Gibbs barks.

Tony, and Tim grab their gear.

When they arrive at the safe house in Coral Hills it's empty. They clear the house, and begin searching through each room. It doesn't take long for them to begin finding things. Tony opens the refrigerator, on a hunch, since her last clue had been on the refrigerator. Inside the freezer her finds an NCIS hat, one with a bullet hole in the bill.

"I've got her hat," Tony waves it around.

Tim searches the couch. He lifts up the throw pillows and finds nothing. He removes the couch cushions, and finds something.

"I've got her badge," Tim hold up her badge.

"She is hiding things places no one would think to look," Tony states the obvious.

Gibbs joins Tony in the kitchen. He opens cabinets, and doors. He looks in the oven, and in the microwave. He checks under the sink, and in the trash can. Tony points to the cookie jar on the counter. Gibbs pulls off the lid, and reaches inside. He pulls out a handful of cookies. He hands them to DiNozzo.

"Thanks boss. I'll keep these cookies safe."

Gibbs sticks his hand back in, and pulls out a black Sig. "And I found her gun," he completes the tri-fecta. McGee reaches into a lamp.

"I found her knife. She would not violate that rule, unless..."

"She would still have a backup," Tony points out.

"Let's get all of this back to Abby," Gibbs insists.


	10. Falling Apart

He stares at her computer screen. It taunts him. He packs up, and leaves for the night. He heads home. He sits on his couch, feeling the regrets.

"If you were here right now, there are so many things that I would tell you. I am sorry. Please come back to me. I need you."

Abby sits at her desk, in her lab. She stares at a picture of Ziva. How could she have let this happen again? Lose someone else, and never tell them what she needed to say. She looks at the picture. "Damnit, Ziva come back. We need you. We're all falling apart without you. We aren't the same without you. We're like a family, and without you there is no glue to keep us together. I'd do anything, so you could come back."

Tim sits at his typewriter. The blank page taunts him. He types three letters, and a questions mark. _Why? _He asks her. He pushes the chair away from the desk, and heads to bed. He climbs into bed. He pulls the covers over his head.

Gibbs sits in his basement. He stares at his boat. He swallows his shot of bourbon. He pours another glass. "Ziva, this one's for you," he announces, and takes the second shot. He moves over to the boat. He holds the can of paint, and paintbrush. He stares at the outline. The name on the boat. He grabs a bigger brush, and paints a big black line over the outline.

Ducky stares at the empty autopsy table. As he lingers near the light. "Tell me, that you aren't really gone." He flips out the light, and walks away.

She stares up at the stars, wondering. She lies on the hood of a car, looking up to heaven for the right answer. She closes her eyes, and listens to the sound of the crickets in the background. This, could never be home.

He opens the drawer of his bedside stand, to put his gun away, before going to sleep. Inside something metallic catches his eye. A necklace, with a shiny Star of David pendant on it. He pulls it out. He stares at the star, in the palm of his hand. She had once said, _"I'd sooner die than take it off." _She had shown her hand, maybe it was his turn, to show his. To show that he was serious. He had to do something, to bring her back.

Gibbs checks his watch, as he stands in the bullpen. McGee drums on his desk with his thumbs.

"Where is DiNozzo?"

"We don't have a case boss."

"He still needs to show up on time."

"Maybe he got lost."

"Lost?"

"Stuck in traffic?"

"You think so?"

"No, knowing him he probably did something stupid."

"I'm sure of that," Gibbs agrees.

The elevator dings, and Tony steps off. He approaches them, and they notice that his shirt is unbuttoned. They squint in his direction, until he gets close enough for them to examine him.

"DiNozzo what is going on? Why isn't your shirt buttoned?"

"I did something stupid, boss," Tony replies.

"What does that have to do with the shirt?" McGee inquires.

"Let me see," Gibbs approaches DiNozzo's desk.

He pulls open the shirt. Gibbs stares at a pieced of gauze tapped to Tony's chest, over his heart.

"Take it off," Gibbs insists.

Tony rips it off. He grimaces as the tape rips off hair and skin. Gibbs stares at a shaved patch of skin on DiNozzo's chest.

"Really?" Gibbs furrows his brow.

"I know. It was dumb."

"You do realize that it is permanent, right?" Gibbs questions.

"She should know the truth."

"Maybe you'll get the chance to tell her. You shouldn't have gotten a tattoo."

McGee approaches, he stares at Tony's new tattoo. A tiny star of David, on his heart, with her birth date.

"Now put your clothes back on," Gibbs warns.

The elevator dings, and Abby runs towards them.

"Let me see!"

Gibbs eyes her as she inspects Tony's tattoo, "You knew about this?"

"Yeah, I recommended the place to him," Abby admits.

Gibbs slaps Abby, and DiNozzo on the backs of their heads, at the same time.

"Ow!" Tony whines.

"I totally deserved that," Abby agrees.

"Now can we get to work?"

"Um, boss," McGee interjects, "We don't have a case."

"We will."

"And if we don't?"

"I am sure that the three of you can find something to investigate."

"No," Abby replies, boldly.

"No?" Gibbs questions.

"No. This, is not our team. We're just four people, who work together. We're incomplete. I refuse to continue, until we're whole again."

"Abby it's not a puppy, we can't just replace her," Tony responds.

"Maybe it's time," Abby continues.

"For what, Abs?" Gibbs inquires.

"For me to move on, from NCIS. I don't want to keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep losing all the people that I care about. I am sick of it."

"What about you two, you feel the same way?" Gibbs queries.

McGee answers first, "Honestly?"

"Yes, McGee," Gibbs nods.

"It isn't the same without her, it never will be. We were a team, we were the best, and without her, we're nothing."

"We were a team before her," Gibbs reminds.

"It wasn't the same, it will never be the same, not without her," McGee replies.

"DiNozzo?"

Tony finishes buttoning his shirt. "I don't think that I am entitled to an opinion."

"I am asking, I expect an answer."

"I just got a tattoo, for her. I... without her, my heart just isn't in it. I'm running on autopilot."

"What about you?" Abby poses the question, staring at Gibbs.

"It's too quiet. There is no bickering. There is something, someone missing. I think that... it's time."

"We're all in agreement? We're all going different directions?" Abby tries to confirm.

They all stare at Abby, afraid to answer. They are all so focused on her question that they don't hear the footsteps approaching.

"No one is going to go anywhere," a voice warns from behind them. Their heads all snap up, and look towards Gibb's desk.


	11. Opening Drawers

"And that is an order."

They all stare at him blankly. Gibbs finally comes up with an answer. He smiles.

"Leon, you don't get to make that decision."

"I am the director," Leon reminds him.

"There is only one person who can change our minds, and it's not you," Tony reveals.

"I see."

Abby steps forward, "So are you going to tell us where she is? Or are you going to let us all walk?"

"I don't know where she is," Leon admits.

"You don't know?" Gibbs questions.

"If I knew, I would gladly tell you," Vance reveals.

"I don't believe that," Gibbs replies, "Not for a second."

"I see what this is doing to this team. If I could fix it, I would."

"You won't even tell us if she's alive," McGee shouts, in anger.

"I am sorry agent McGee, but I can't discuss that."

Abby flies off the handle. "You can't discuss it? There is a possibility that she might be alive, but you can't discuss it? You are really willing to risk your best people over this? Maybe this is what you wanted. I am beginning to think that you had this all planned out. You knew how hard we would take this. You knew that if we didn't have answers, we would start to come apart. You counted on that. You probably already have our replacements lined up, don't you?"

"Miss Sciuto I am sorry that you feel that way, but my hands are tied."

"So untie them. I am so tired of being lied to. I'm sick of everyone think that it is ok to keep secrets, to keep their real motives hidden. Enough! Look where it has gotten us. Kate is dead. Ziva is gone, and we are all falling apart. It's time that we get a director around here. Someone who is less concerned with politics, and more concerned about his people."

Vance doesn't reply. Abby takes a step closer.

"Tell me the truth. Is she alive?"

He looks her in the eyes, "The truth is, I don't know."

"Was she in the car, when it exploded?"

"Abby I don't know. I am not withholding information. I don't know. She wouldn't tell me what she was doing."

"And you were ok with that?"

"No, but I knew that it was the only way to catch the bastard."

"You wanted him, at any cost?"

"Yes, that was a mistake," Leon admits.

"Why don't you go back up to your office, and leave all of us the Hell alone? For once, just stay out of our way," Abby snarls.

Leon's jaw tightens. He nods, and walks away. Once he reaches the top of the stairs Abby turns around. Gibbs stares at her, smiling proudly. McGee starts clapping, DiNozzo, and Gibbs join in. Abby stares in confusion.

"Why are you clapping?" She questions.

"Because you're amazing," McGee chimes in.

"It's about time, Abby," Gibbs agrees.

"I figured that it didn't really matter what I said to him, since I'm done here."

"Yeah," DiNozzo nods.

Gibbs goes into the corner, and grabs a stack of collapsed cardboard. He hands each of them one.

"I guess we should start cleaning our desks out," Gibbs instructs.

Abby grabs hers and get onto the elevator. They each move to their desks, and open drawers. They slowly begin going through our things.

Tony pulls open his drawer, and digs through a stack of paper, he unloads it, into the box. Underneath he finds a Nutter Butter.

"McGee?"

"Yeah?" McGee looks up from his desk.

"Nutter Butter?" he smiles.

McGee catches the Nutter Butter, "Thanks."

McGee searches through the center drawer of his desk. He finds a box of unopened paperclips. Next to it he finds a paperclip that is shaped into an S. He stops, his eyes fall onto Ziva's desk.

"Something wrong probie?" Tony inquires.

Tim holds up the paperclip, "Ziva gave it to me, she told me that one day she'd tell me how to use it on you."

"Always thoughtful, that one," Tony agrees.

Gibbs pulls open the top, right hand drawer, and begins sifting through stuff. His head fills with thought of her.

Tony sinks into his seat. Gibbs looks up across the squad room at him.

"Whatcha got?" Gibbs questions.

"A picture. From Paris," he admits, as he stares at a picture of her.

"I've got a lot of junk in my desk. I think that we probably should have done this more often," McGee comments.

"Probably," Gibbs agrees.

Gibbs studies his gun, it lies on the top of his desk. The gun he had given her, to shoot Ari. She had killed her own brother, to prove her loyalty to him. She was a rare breed. Abby had been right, there was no replacing her. There was no team, without her.

He looks around the room. He finds his two agents, sitting at their desk. Neither of them move. They just stare at her empty desk. He takes a deep breath, and shifts his focus. He stares at his drawer full of junk.

"Get back to work," he instructs.

They slowly return to the task at hand. Tony numbly digs through years of stuff. Without looking up he asks, "Boss, what are we supposed to do without her?"

"I don't know DiNozzo."

"I don't know how to live without her," he admits.

"I'd like to say that you'll learn, but it never gets any easier. You never move on, no matter how hard you try. You might still be breathing, but you wake up one day and realize, without her you life isn't the same. And it never goes back to normal."

"What am I going to do? After I leave here? I don't have the desire to do anything, anymore. I can't even write anymore," McGee adds.

"We'll find something," Gibbs insists.

"And if we don't?"

"I guess she'll have to come back, and kick our asses," Gibbs answers.

The conversation ends, and they return to sifting through their desks. They empty them of years of hard work, and memories. The elevator doors open, and none of them even look up. They remain focused on the task at hand. The three of them dig through piles of stuff, the whole time, thinking about her.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning out our desks," McGee responds to the question.

"Are the three of you going somewhere?"


	12. Home

"We're not a team, without you," Tony answers.

"Of course, you're not," she agrees. She walks over to her desk, and takes a seat.

Several seconds pass, before any of them look up. Finally all three of them stare at her. DiNozzo rubs his eyes.

"I can see her," he admits.

"Me too," McGee adds.

"Nice timing," Gibbs comments.

"Should I clean mine out too? Are we going somewhere?" she replies.

"Just doing some spring cleaning," Gibbs lies.

"It's February," she reminds them.

Tony looks to Gibbs, "Is she real?"

"I hope so," Gibbs answers.

Tony vacates his seat. He walks over to her desk. He stares at her.

"How did you..."

"Not important," she reveals.

"Of course not. I hope that you know I am even more of an idiot, without you."

"Did it hurt?"

"What?"

"The tattoo."

"How do you know about that?"

"I have been watching all of you. I was supposed to be in witness protection, but that didn't really work out for me."

Gibbs joins them. "McGee get Abby up here."

"On it boss."

He proceeds to smack Ziva on the back of the head, "David, pull a stunt like that again, and you will wish that you were dead, understood?"

"Completely," she agrees.

Abby hops off the elevator. She stands next to Tony, staring at Ziva.

"I hope you know that now I am going to have to apologize to Director Vance."

"For what?" Ziva questions.

"Abby chewed him out," McGee reveals.

"You will not apologize," Gibbs insists.

"This was all his idea, wasn't it?" Tony questions.

"Every last detail," Ziva admits, "I wanted to tell you, all of you, but he said that it needed to be this way. He was not happy, when I started ducking out of protective custody. Last night he assigned me five agents, and sent me to some secluded location in Virginia."

"Do they know you're gone?"

"They are probably regaining consciousness around now."

"Why did you do it?" McGee questions.

"Listen to Vance?" she responds.

McGee shakes his head, "Come back."

"I knew that none of you would ever believe that I had died in a car accident."

"It was more than that," Tony insists.

"Yes, I realized that this is the only place that I feel at home."

"Ziva never, ever leave us again," Abby begs.

"Never," Ziva promises.

Director Vance descends the stairs. He stops at the landing, behind Agent DiNozzo's desk.

"Agent David."

Gibbs turns, and looks at him, "Leon, go back to your office. Leave her alone," Gibbs tells him blatantly.

Leon ignores Gibbs, "Do you know anything about the unconscious, witness protection agents that they found in Virginia?"

"Someone must have slipped them something," she replies.

"I see. I also see where your loyalties lie."

"You never should have questioned that," Gibbs answers for her.

"No, she is one of yours," Leon admits as he turns, and starts back up the stairs.

Ziva looks at the four people staring at her.

"I hope that I have not started a battle that I cannot win."

"Don't worry about it Ziva, we've got your back," Abby smiles.

Gibbs cocks his head, in her direction. "Abby what did you do?"

"Nothing," she fibs.

"Nothing?"

"Let's just say that the secretary of the navy will probably be visiting soon, demanding director Vance's resignation."

As if on cue the elevator doors behind them open. Ducky steps off the elevator. The doors close behind him, as he approaches the squad room. He stares at the group of people, congregated around Ziva's desk.

"Have you heard the news?" Ducky questions.

"What news Duck?"

"Well, Abigail, it seems that someone in the press has exposed an NCIS cover-up. Apparently the Sec-Nav is not happy about it either."

"How do you know that?" Tim questions.

"Because he was on the elevator, headed up to Vance's office."

Gibbs turns to Abby, "I hope that you covered your tracks," he warns.

"What tracks?" she smiles.

Hours later he finds her leaning up against his car. She had left the same time that he had, so how had she ended up there before him? The stairs, she took the stairs, not the elevator. He unlocks the doors, with his remote. She walks around the car, with a devilish smile. She climbs into the drivers seat. When he reaches the car, he taps on the window. She opens the door.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Can I have the keys please?" she asks.

"You are going to steal my car?"

"No. I just want to drive."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see, just get in."

"Ok," he nods in agreement. He climbs into the seat next to her. She turns on the car, and they peel out of the parking space. He holds on tightly, as they turn out of the parking lot.

"You don't have to hold on so tightly. I'm not going to kill you."

"So..."

"You're wondering what this means? What all of it means? If you were imagining things, or if they were real?"

"If you tell me that it was all in my head, I'll believe you."

"I won't say that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not true, and I am tired of lies."

"So, where do we go from here?"

She touches his hand, and turns her eyes back to the road. She smiles. She breathes a sigh of relief. Finally she reveals her plan.

"We go home."

"You're taking me home?"

"Where else would I take you?"


	13. The Worst Feeling

She follows him into his apartment. She takes a seat on his couch, and just watches him. He takes the seat next to her.

"You're being quiet. You're never quiet."

"I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts," he admits.

"You usually do that out loud."

"Why did you come back?"

"You didn't want me to?"

"I did, I am just asking why."

"I had to come back."

"For who?"

"For you."

"For me?"

"I have hurt you enough times."

"You risked everything. Why? Why would you do that? For me?"

"You know why."

"Do I?"

"I certainly hope so."

"You knew that I would think what happened was a dream."

"Yes," she nods.

"But it wasn't."

"No."

"We had sex," he reminds her.

"Yes I remember, do you?"

"How could I forget? You are unforgettable."

"Is it going to be a problem?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"I..." he stops.

"Spit it out."

"Do you have any idea what it is like, for me to think that you are dead?"

"Yes. I thought that you were dead once too. Remember?"

"Don't ever do that to me again."

"Never."

"Zi... I am tired of trying to act one way, when I feel another."

"Then stop."

"And then what?"

"We'll figure it out."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"How will we ever know? If we don't try?"

"We won't."

"Then we should try."

"But..."

"I don't care about the rules. Tony we have played by the rules long enough. I think that it is time we break them. I can't..." she trails off.

"You can't what?"

"I don't want to live a life, without you in it."

"You can," he argues.

"Maybe, but I don't want to."

"What does this mean for us?"

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know that."

"Do you? Do you really know how I feel?"

"You never really want to share that, so how would I?"

"I guess that I am just afraid that I am going to get hurt, I am tired of getting hurt."

"This is me you're talking to."

"I know that. I know that I can trust you. You have earned my trust."

"Then tell me how you feel."

"You are the only person, in the entire world that makes me feel... safe. When I'm with you, I never have to worry if someone has my back, or not. That is important. Far more important, than I ever would have guessed."

"What are you saying?"

"I just keep coming back to you."

"Meaning, what?"

"No one else ever sticks around. Even if they did, I don't know that I would want them to."

"You don't have the best choice in men."

"Maybe because my judgment is clouded. I know what I want, and I was convinced that I couldn't have it. I decided if I couldn't have it, then I should look for something completely different."

"Zi..." he tucks some stray stands of hair behind her ear. She grabs his hand, before he can pull away. After a moment she lets go. His hand touches her cheek. She looks at him, and exhales. He fixates on her lips as she opens her mouth to speak.

"I love you," she admits.

"I am glad that you can finally admit that."

"What?"

"I have known for a while."

"You knew?"

"You are jealous of everyone I have ever..."

She cuts him off, "I am jealous? You take jealous to a whole new level. You killed someone I was involved with."

"You would have done the same."

"Yes. I would have."

"I didn't really know. I just hoped that you did."

"Why would you hope that?"

"The worst feeling in the world is when you love someone, and they don't love you back."

"What does that mean?"

"I kept looking for someone. Someone that would be the one, but none of them ever compared to you. One day I woke up, and I realized that the reason they were all being compared to you, is that... I wanted you."

"But why?"

"Because I love you."

"Why?"

"Because you're honest."

"That is why?"

"You don't try to attempt to hide your past, of the parts of your life that you try not to remember. You don't want me to see them, but yet, you let me."

"Why would I lie to you? You're my partner."


	14. With You

"Where do we go, from here?" he questions.

"Bed," she answers.

"Bed?"

"I need some sleep."

"The dead don't sleep."

"No, but the living do."

"You've been pretty busy. I guess I'll let you get some sleep."

She gets off the couch. He sits, and looks at her. She grabs his hand, and pulls, "Come on."

"I can sleep on the couch."

"I don't want you to sleep on the couch."

"But..."

"Tonight, I want to go to sleep, in that bed," she points to his room, "with you."

"With me?"

"Yes."

"You want to sleep with me?"

"Yes."

"When have you ever slept with someone? You..."

"I don't like to be crowded, but it's you, so I don't mind."

"Ok," he agrees.

He holds her, as she falls asleep. He falls asleep to the sound of her heart, and her snoring.

She wakes up in his arms. She just watches him as he sleeps. The clock tells her that it's almost time to get up.

He opens his eyes, and finds her staring at him. He smiles at her. He tucks her hair, behind her ear.

"Good morning."

"Morning," she yawns.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Better than I have in a long time."

"It's a pretty comfortable bed."

She smiles, "It has nothing to do with the bed."

"The pillows? They're down."

"Nope."

"The sheets? Egyptian cotton."

"Try again."

"The Hanes t-shirt of mine that you're sleeping in?"

"You're getting closer."

"Why did you want to sleep in that, anyway?"

"It smells like you."

"I just took it out of the laundry, yesterday."

"I know, it smells like your detergent."

"You like the way that it smells?"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No," he shakes his head.

"We should get up, we have to be at work soon."

"Tell me why you slept so well."

"Because I slept with you."

"You didn't move all night," he points out.

"That is a major feat, for me."

"I know, I've slept with you before. What's different now?"

"I feel safe, with you."

"You feel safe with me? Why?"

"Because I do. Why do I have to explain everything to you?"

"Because I can't understand what it is that you see in me."

"Someone who traveled halfway across the world, to avenge my death, but ended up rescuing me. You make me laugh. You remind me that there are good people in the world."

"Other people can do that."

"No one else has. Why did you? Why did you come for me?"

"I was going to bring you home, dead or alive. It wasn't for you, it was for me. It was selfish. I knew that I would never rest, unless I knew for sure. I knew I couldn't let the person responsible for your death live."

"You didn't believe I was dead this time, did you?"

"No. I couldn't accept it. I know people aren't supposed to come back from the dead. Especially not twice, but something in my gut told me that you were still out there. I'd like to believe it's some sort of connection we have. I would know if you were dead. And I just didn't feel like you were. I guess selfishly I hope that you won't leave me, until I'm ready."

"You'll never be ready."

"That's why I have to die first. When I'm about a hundred, I'll pass away, in my sleep, from old age."

"What if I go first?"

"Then I'll die too."

"You can't do that."

"If your dead you can't stop me," he argues.

"Tony, this is real life, not the _Notebook_."

"I've never seen that movie."

"You lie."

"How do you know?"

"Because you are the one that I watched it with."

"Oh, yeah."

"The alarm clock is going to ring in seven minutes."

"What do you suggest we do until then?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" he questions.

"Let's just lay here."

"Fine by me."

"Good."

"Ziva?"

"Hm?"

"Is this going to be a regular occurrence?"

"The rules don't apply to dead people," she answers.

"You're not dead."

"I have a death certificate that proves otherwise."

"Answer the question."

"Well, my bed doesn't have one very important thing."

"What's that?"

"You."

"I think that we can remedy that."

"I hope so," she smiles.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

She rolls on top of him, straddling him. She pins his arms to the bed. She answers, "Because you can't get away."

"I could, if I wanted to."

"But you don't."

"I," he begins to sputter. She squelches his feigned protest with a kiss.


	15. Permission

"So then you'll stay?"

"Is that what you want?"

"You know that it is. I don't mean just for now."

"I know," she smiles."I mean forever," he clarifies.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, ok."

"You know we have to go to work today."

"Yes, I know."

"We should probably get up, and get ready."

"Probably."

"Unless you have something else in mind."

She leans in close, her lips centimeters from him. He expects a kiss. Instead she exhales, and says, "Nope." She crawls out of bed. He watches as she walks into the bathroom. On the way to the Navy Yard they stop for breakfast. They ride the elevator to the squad room, together, in silence. They exchange looks, and smiles. They step off the elevator, and make their ways to their desks. Tim looks up from his desk.

"Morning," he greets them.

"Good morning McGee," Ziva responds.

"Does Gibbs know yet?" McGee questions.

"Know, what?" Tony plays coy.

"About you two?"

"What do you mean?" Ziva shoots him a look.

"Never mind," he returns his focus to his computer screen.

Gibbs walks into the squad room. He stops at his desk. Tony takes a deep breath.

"Hey boss, can I show you something, in the elevator?"

"Make it quick," he warns.

Jethro, and Tony step onto the elevator. The doors close, and Gibbs flips a switch on the panel, and the elevator screeches to a halt. He turns, and looks at DiNozzo.

"Speak."

"I need to tell you something."

"Then tell me."

"I love her."

"I know."

"You don't sound surprised."

"Am I supposed to be?"

"I just recently realized..."

"I know."

"But..."

"I've known for years, DiNozzo. So has everyone else."

"And you're ok with it?"

"I can't choose who you fall in love with."

"She's a co-worker."

"Are you asking my permission to break rule number twelve?"

"I... I don't know."

"You better figure it out."

"Why?"

"Because if you hurt her, I'll kill you, and it will kill her. You need to make up your mind on what exactly it is you want."

"I just want to be with her, forever."

"Then tell her that."

"I have."

"You should prove it."

"Prove it?"

"She likes proof. She doesn't always believe the things that she's told."

"She shouldn't."

"Boss..."

"You think that I am going to try to tell you not to get involved?"

"Yes. I am expecting a lecture."

"I'm not going to give you one."

"But..."

"If it were a fling I would be concerned, but I don't think that's what it is."

"It's not. I love her. It has taken me far too long to realize that, but..."

"How much do you love her?"

"I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I love my job, and it's been a privilege working with you, but... if I have to give that up, to have her, then I will," he reaches for his gun, and badge.

"Don't give me those. I don't want them."

"It's against the rules."

"Yeah, it is."

"Your rules."

"Do you want her, or not?"

"Yes."

"Prove it, to her."

"You should be angry with me."

"For what?"

"Trying to become involved with a co-worker. It might affect your team and..."

"It definitely will, if you are in love with her, and don't do anything about it."

"Why are you being lenient."

"Because I understand."

"You're giving me a free pass?"

"No."

"So..."

"Make it work."

"And if I can't?"

"Then you should be worried."

"Boss?"

"Sometimes there is no choice, but to break the rules. Sometimes we have to break the rules, so we can be happy. The rules are a guideline, they aren't absolutes. Don't use the rules, to justify not telling her how you feel."

"She already knows."

"And she feels the same?"

"As far as I can tell."

"Then you make it work."

"But..."

"That is an order."

"The rules..."

"Sometimes the rules don't apply."

"You're really going to let this happen?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I know what it's like to hide behind rules, because you don't want to get hurt. That is a mistake. Maybe the biggest one you could make."


	16. Reality

He jerks into consciousness. He finds himself alone, in his bed. He is drenched in sweat. He is tangled in the sheets. He manages to free himself, from the sheets. He sits up, and dangles his legs over the edge of the bed. He looks around the room. It's empty. He begins to panic. Was this all a dream. Having her, that was too good to be true. He climbs out of bed. He goes into the bathroom. He flips on the light, and finds it empty. He uses the bathroom, and washes his hands. He returns to the bedroom, and stares out the window. The street is empty, void for a few parked cars. There was no sign of her.

He climbs back into bed. He takes deep breath. He can still smell her. Was she here? Or was he going crazy? These days, he couldn't be sure. He would call her name, but he was certain that no one would answer. She was gone, and he had to face that. It had all been a dream. Right? But it felt so real.

"Ziva?" he whispers.

"What?" she responds in a sheepish voice.

This was ridiculous. He could hear her. She was gone. The dead do not speak. He had to get over this. She was gone. They were never going to be together.

"What?" she repeats.

He gets back out of bed, and follows her voice. He stops at the couch. He could see her. He had to be losing his mind. She wasn't there. She wasn't real. No matter how much he wanted her to be, he had to face the fact that she was gone.

"What do you want?" she questions.

"Nothing."

"Something, or you wouldn't be waking me up, in the middle of the night."

"I just..."

"Tony, I am not a figment of your imagination."

"Then why are you out here on the couch?"

"I couldn't sleep in there. You were tossing and turning too much. Not to mention, you were hot and sweaty."

"So you're sleeping on the couch?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Tony?"

"Hm?"

"I'm really here. You can go back to sleep, now. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to watch me, to make sure that I don't disappear."

"Ok," he agrees, slinking back to the bedroom.

Hours later when he wakes up he finds himself in an empty bed, again. He gets up, and goes into the living room. He finds the couch empty. No sign of her. No blanket, or pillow. Nothing. Why did he have to keep doing this to himself? He shakes his head, in frustration. He wonders into the kitchen. He opens the cabinet, and pulls out a box of cereal, and a bowl. He moves towards the fridge for milk. He stops when he reaches the fridge.

_Tony,_

_I went for a run. Be back soon._

_Ziva._

He peels the blue post-it note of the door of the refrigerator. He opens it, and pulls out the milk. Maybe he was going crazy, but she was definitely real. She was definitely still alive. His mind was just playing tricks on him.

She walks in the door, as he puts his cereal bowl in the sink. She locks the door behind her. He moves towards her. She dodges his hug.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I just want to take a shower. I'm sweaty."

"Oh."

"Maybe it would be a good idea for you to take one, too."

"How am I going to take a shower, if you're in it?"

"I am sure that you can come up with some solution to that," she replies, disappearing into his bedroom.

As she dries her hair she catches him staring at her. She turns the blow dryer off, and moves towards him.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

"I assure you, I am real."

"How do I know?"

She thinks for a second, and then shows him her elbow. "That scar."

"What about it."

"You don't remember?"

He scrutinizes the scar. A light bulb goes off in his head. "Yes, I do. We were driving."

"And you were being an idiot."

"I was playing with some paperclips."

"And I asked you to show me how to kill someone with it."

"And you had bent them out of shape."

"Then we hit that bump."

"And you stabbed me with it."

"It was unintentional."

"It still bled."

"I had almost forgotten about that."

"I am not going anywhere, ok?"

"If you're sure."

"I am. I am really here."

"So then you'll show me how to kill someone with a paperclip?"

"No."

"I want to know. I am not asking you to show me all eighteen ways, just one."

"No paperclips."

"Ziva?"

"I am sorry."

"For what?"

"Being an idiot."

"In general, or do you have something specific in mind?'

"No, just in general. I should have seen you all along."

"What do you mean?"

"You have been standing in front of me, all along. I just never..."

"Could get your head out of your butt long enough to notice?"

"That isn't how I was going to put it, but yeah," he nods.

"Here I am."

He wraps his arms around her. She surrenders to his hug. She can feel his lips brush against her ear.

"I'm never letting you go," he whispers to her.


End file.
